Five funerals

N. B. Andrews

March 16, 2016

This month, I have attended five funerals.

There are at least another three on my must attend list before the end of a very hot and humid March.

In order to make it to a morning funeral, my alarm clock should scream or screach me awake by 430am.

Anything later and the doomsday traffic of the Beach Road and Spintex Road or the hell may care speeding commuters on the Motorway will threaten my coronaries.

It is that simple and that bad.

Of course at least 24 hours earlier you must know whether it is black or black and white or white or red or black and red or green. This is entirely up to the dictat provided by the bereaved family with rhyme or reason that is not always easily discerned.

A ready acquiescence becomes the only route since we should avoid giving gratuitous offence.

In this case, the Golden Rule does not apply- remember, neither does it apply to masochists and potential suicides.

Which reminds me; what is it with the black shirt under a black jacket- instead of a white or blue shirt.

I thought no gentleman was to admit that he knew anyone who owned a black shirt.

Next of course is the little detail of the pre-Burial Service. This consists of at least an hour of hymn singing, the to and fro of mourners filing past the casket and the repititious tributes.

Not at all infrequent is the nerve grating repitition of certain details of the deceased's life and descriptive phrases during the tributes. Once, I counted "sumptuous meals" at least a dozen times.

There is only so much that genuinely grieving occasional writers can say about a loved one.

Do we have to hear it repeated half a dozen times in half an hour? Is it not already written out in the large glossy funeral brochure?

There was at least one occasion when the pre-Burial service was dispensed with. The casket was not opened in church. Mourners were simply ushered to their seats while the choir sang beautifully.

Papa Osofo asked what was happening and why the place was so quiet and orderly? Really, no he didn't?

Yes, he did!

Then comes the Burial Service during which we get to hear the Biography and at least one other tribute. A real "sufferation" as these are now a reprise of the presentations during the pre-Burial Sevice and of the Biography itself.

Perhaps, the conventional wisdom is that a single rousing Funeral Oration is not sufficient. Who mentioned a chicken?

Also perhaps it becomes rational to skip either the pre -Burial or Burial service.

By the way, I thought everybody knew to stand for the singing of hymns during a church service.

When do you stand?

Just as the organist plays the last bar of the last line. No, you do not stand when he starts playing right after Papa Osofo announces the hymn; only the choir stands at that point.

Now to the novel method of uplifting the collection.

Why is it that the congregation cannot simply remain seated while the collection bags are sent around row by row by the ushers?

It saves time- of course this is only important if you have other important things to do. We shall refrain from commenting on the purported reason as to why the circulating bags have been discontinued.

However, we are told that the procession of congregants to the two receptacles (or 2x2 as there are often two lines) in front of the altar ensures that all present get to see everybody else.

Now how is that for African pragmatism?

After this segment of the service the next highlight is the Dead March in Saul and the humming that invariably accompanies it.

What a bummer!

Can people not just remain quiet and simply listen to the weighty tune of that masterpiece which invokes transcendence? There are fewer things more provocative than this display of uncouthness.

I am waiting for the fire next time- white or black or black and white or black and red......or green!

N.B. ANDREWS
Blebo We-Sakumo
March 16 2016