Press Conference/A parody

By President Musugu Babazonga

On Obama's address to Africa

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My fellow African leaders are not happy – in fact, we are irate – at what President Obama said in Accra on July 11, 2009. So I have been deputized by the Coconut Union to speak on their behalf. I am calling this press conference to react to President Obama’s speech. Excuse the lateness of this press release. Electricity to my palace was interrupted (generator broke down), so my secretary couldn’t type this document in time. I will take no questions from you reporters because you only ask stupid questions.

Who is this Obama man anyway? Who does he think he is, coming to Africa to lecture and insult us? He thinks he can talk to us like his children? Who born him? Kai! Tell him that I am Musugu Babazonga – President-for-Life of the Coconut Republic of Tonga in the Gulf of Guinea.

Just because his father is Kenyan doesn’t make him African. He says he has the blood of Africa within him. Tsweeeeeaaaa. And he talks like that? He has no respect for Elders..

He says “Africa's future is up to Africans.” Who doesn’t know that? Why did we fight for our freedom and independence from the white colonialists?

I was most annoyed when he said “development depends upon good governance” – as if we don’t know that. We have been practicing it in my country for decades. I have been a good governor to my people for more than 30 years. Go ask them. They love me ooo. So you see, we have “good governance.”

Yes, I take “development” very seriously. My pockets are well developed. We have “foreign investment” too. My wealth is safely invested in Swiss and other foreign banks to protect it from foreign exchange fluctuations. Yes, my country produces oil but the oil revenue is a state secret – to protect it from the prying eyes of imperialist enemies. My finance minister keeps the accounts at a secure place – in a coconut tree.

How dare Obama come and preach to us about democracy, free and fair elections, accountability, checks and balances? We have “Checks and balances” in my country. All government officials are required, by decree, to have bank accounts on which they can write checks and their bank accounts which must have positive balances. Bounced checks are not tolerated. So we have checks and balances.

President Obama says the rule of law is important. Who doesn’t know that in my country? I am the law and I rule, so we have rule of law! I wrote the Constitution too. I have set myself a two-term limit. If I don’t like the two-term limit, I will change it so that I can run for the third term but anyone else who comes after me must obey the two-term rule. When I retire, my son will take over. He will be freely chosen by me. All the senior positions in my government are filled with my relatives, friends, and tribesmen. They love me ooo, Just go ask them. They are happy serving me because they know what will happen to them if they don’t. They will be fed to crocodiles.

We are aggressively combating corruption. Movie theaters and television are forbidden to show pornographic material, which corrupts the minds of the young. Violators are instantly beheaded; of course, they can appeal later.

We have multi-party democracy in my country. Anybody can form a political party if they want to but it is illegal to hold a political rally of more than 6 people. They cannot use the state-owned media to propagate their vile messages. I wrote that law myself! The Electoral Commissioner is my brother, so he produces the election results that I like. We have just concluded our first elections in 30 years and they were “free and fair”. Those who opposed me were tossed into jail the night before the election. In prison, they were free to say what they wanted. Nobody bothered them there. I think that’s fair.

I was declared the winner by a landslide -- just two hours after the polls closed. It shows how efficient we are! When it appeared that I was losing the election, I sacked the Electoral Commissioner for not doing his job and had the votes counted at a secret location. I won 99.92 percent of the vote. In fact, I would have won 110 percent if the opposition had bothered to get out of their graves and prison to vote. Lazy bunch. They are jokers. How can they say I “stole” the election when they don’t even know how to count votes? I won the vote fair and square. The results are in my head! I will release them when I die! So, you see, our elections were free and fair. I have been democratically elected several times and have handed over peacefully – to myself. I have been in power for 30 years, so we have stability too. Isn’t that important for development? Obama doesn’t know what he is talking about.

He said this: “Africa doesn't need strongmen, it needs strong institutions.” He must be smoking something again. Who is going to build the strong institutions? It takes strong leaders to build strong institutions, stupid.

But I don’t want to be too harsh on Obama. He is just a wayward child. I like a few things he said. For example, this:

“We are all God's children. We all share common aspirations — to live in peace and security; to access education and opportunity; to love our families, our communities, and our faith. That is our common humanity.”

Say that again, Obama. Tell the opposition people to leave me alone to live in peace and security. They give me nightmares. I can’t sleep at night. Haba. They are terrorists.

Obama also said this: “The world will be what you make of it.” That’s exactly what I have been telling my people for decades. He also said this: “Freedom is your inheritance.” Amen. That’s what the struggle against colonialism was all about.

You see, I have been fair to Obama. Thank you.

[A reporter tries to ask a question].

I said I will take no questions. What’s wrong with you?

President Musugu Babazonga.
You can visit my web site: http://www.thecoconutrepublic.com